One-liners: Hallow Delicacies on Life 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. A donkey is a horse designed by a study team. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. A flying particle will seek the nearest eye. A free agent is anything but. A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. A little humility is arrogance. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. A penny saved is ridiculous. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth. A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A real person has two reasons for doing anything; a good reason and the real reason. A short cut is the longest distance between two points. A theory is better than its explanation. A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. A wise man speaks when he has something to say; A fool speaks when he has to say something. Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed. Absolutum obsoletum. - If it works, it is out of date. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero. All general statements are false; think about it. All generalizations are false, including this one. All generalizations are useless, including this one. All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start! All great discoveries are made by mistake. All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. All things being equal, all things are never equal. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of. Always hire a rich attorney. Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Always try to stop talking before people stop listening. Ambiguity is invariant. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form. An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure". Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics. Any change looks terrible at first. Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm. Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert, Any horizontal surface is soon piled up. Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether. Any landing you can walk away from is a good one. Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used. Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers. Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center. Any wire cut to length will be too short. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool. Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Anything is easier to take apart than to put together. Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up. Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought. Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence. As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes. Assassins do it from behind. Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Bad news drives good news out of the media. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor. Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it. Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you. Believing is seeing. Better latent than never. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themselves no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Sir John A. MacDonald, Can ada's first Prime Minister Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts. Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden Beware the man of one book. - St. Thomas Aquinas Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels. Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living. Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste. By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends. By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Chipped dishes never break. Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. Common sense is not so common. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637 Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Administrative/Computer Center...) Competition brings out the best in results and the worst in people. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Confusion creates jobs. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing. Creditors have better memories than debtors. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Dare to be average. Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications. Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "go to hell" in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them. Do someone a favor and it becomes your job. Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do. Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices. Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted. Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out. Don't force it, get a bigger hammer. Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia. Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. Don't make your doctor your heir. Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. Don't try to have the last word; you might get it. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent. Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness. Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average. Entropy has us outnumbered. Error is often more earnest than truth. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it. Even paranoids have enemies. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer. Everybody's gotta be someplace. Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head. Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Everything is actually everything else, just recycled. Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything tastes more or less like chicken. Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Exceptions always outnumber rules. Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. Excuses are like assholes; everybody has one! Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it. Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory. Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. Extremes meet. Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is BS. Familiarity breeds attempt. Familiarity breeds children. Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches. For every "10" there are 10 "1's". For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it. Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places. Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it. Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself. Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate. Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something. Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at. Half of the people you know are below average. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure? He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords. He who dies with the most toys is still dead. He who dies with the most toys, wins. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. He who shouts the loudest has the floor. He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints. Hindsight is an exact science. History is the science of what never happens twice. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance. I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity I think...therefore I am confused. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. I would give $1000 to be a millionaire. Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity. If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. If anything can go wrong, it will. If anything is used to its full potential, it will break. If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport. If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either. If at first you don't succeed, your successor will. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods. If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on. If everything seems to go right, check your zipper. If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology. If it happens, it must be possible. If it is good, they will stop making it. If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true. If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. If it works, don't fix it! If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine. If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent. If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If there isn't a law, there will be. If things were left to chance, they would be better. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon. If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging. If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both. If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes. If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. If you cannot fix it, feature it. If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights! If you cannot measure output, then you measure input. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion. If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost. If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed. If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly. If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. If you do not say it, they can't repeat it. If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious. If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is. If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you. If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet. If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break. If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes. If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line. If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. If you throw something away, you will need it the next day. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. If you understand it, it is obsolete. If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others. If you want to get along, go along. If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added. Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. In any household, junk accumulates to the space available for its storage. In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and BS. Incompetence is a double-edged banana. Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Indifference is the only sure defense. Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know. Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience. Insanity is contagious. Parents get it from their kids. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out. Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme. Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today. Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector' Interchangable parts won't. Is there life before coffee? It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up. It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose. It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear. It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission. It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious. It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense. It is later than you think. It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too. It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you. It is not true that life is one damn thing after another, it's one damn thing over and over. It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. It is the dead wood that holds up the tree. It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes. It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem. It just doesn't get any Beta than this. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right. It works better if you plug it in. It's always darkest just before the lights go out. It's always the wrong time of the month. It's better to retire too soon than too late. It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent. It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous! It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. It's Not My Job! It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks. It's out of my control. I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. - Lee Iacocca Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do. Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle. Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore. Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats. Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable. Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. Leakproof seals will. Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you DIDN'T! Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end. Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most projects require three hands. Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once. Murphy was an optimist. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. Needs are a function of what other people have. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. Never buy from a rich salesman. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Never eat prunes when you are famished. Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Never invest in anything that eats. Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Never put all your eggs in your pocket. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Never speculate on that which can be known for certain. Never tell them what you wouldn't do. Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it. No good deed goes unpunished. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would. No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back. No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind. No one is listening until you make a mistake. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. No real problem has a solution. No two identical parts are exactly alike. Nobody notices the big errors. Nobody notices when things go right. Nobody told me. Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense. Nothing ever comes out as planned. Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary. Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less. Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything... but don't be surprised if they tell you only what you wanted to hear. Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel. Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur. Office of Precision Guesswork OK, so what's the speed of dark? Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill. Old age is always fifteen years older than you are. On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it. One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow. One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays. One test is worth a thousand expert opinions. Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy. Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work. Only a mediocre person is always at their best. Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one, but nobody wants to look at the others. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. People specialize in their area of greatest weakness. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse. People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. People who think they know everything upset those of us who do. People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. People will believe anything if you whisper it. People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse. Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning. Pick good people; talent never wears out. Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes. Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition! Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. Producing a design from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier if it's frozen. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Quality assurance doesn't. Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don't know any other language. Real programmers print only clean compiles. Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. Reality was an illusion... caused by a deficiency in alcohol. Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing. Repetition does not establish validity. Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. Say no, then negotiate. Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous. Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it. Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without. Self starters...will not. Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988) Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view. Success is like a fart. Only your own smells good. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do. Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology. Texas saying: "When in doubt, empty the magazine." The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it. The beatings will continue, until morale improves. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. The best way to realize your dreams is to wake up. The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... The chief cause of problems is solutions. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The deficiency will never show itself during the test run. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it. The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why. The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. The early worm deserves the bird. The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change. The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag. The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The farther away the future is, the better it looks. The faster the plane, the narrower the seats. The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The hardest thing in life is to learn which bridge to cross and which to burn. The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread. The hidden flaw never remains hidden. The idea is to die young as late as possible. The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. The longer the title the less important the job. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering. The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing. The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree. The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. The most interesting results happen only once. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The one item you want is never the one on sale. The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. The one who does the least work will get the most credit. The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have. The only real errors are human errors. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory. The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet. The person not here is the one working on the problem. The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building. The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up! The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced. The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available. The sun goes down just when you need it the most. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. The tough part of a system administrator's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions. The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically. The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The workbench is always untidier than last time. The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back. There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest. - Napoleon There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it. There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know. There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. There is always one more idiot than you counted on. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious. There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrongg. There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit. There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device. There is no such thing as instant experience. There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportioN. There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. They drank the cool-aid, from a fire-hose. Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player. Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time. This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks. This space for rent. Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen. Those who live closest arrive latest. Those with the best advice offer no advice. To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen. To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human. To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics. To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work. Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being. Trust everybody...then cut the cards. Two monologues do not make a dialogue. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man in the testicles, not even symbolically or perhaps especially not symbolically. We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused. We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to do it over again. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message. We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators. We'll worry about that when we get there. We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What you don't do is always more important than what you do. What you resist, you become. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly. When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. When it's you against the world, bet on the world. When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp. When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains. When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Where you stand depends on where you sit. Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection. Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. Without data, yours is just another opinion. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy. Work is the curse of the drinking class. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time. You can observe a lot just by watching. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox. You want it when? You will always find something in the last place you look. Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's. You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.