| Q |
How many first year civil engineering students does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. That's a second year subject.
|
| |
| Q |
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
|
| A |
It all depends on the size of the grant.
|
| A |
Two and a professor to take credit.
|
| A |
1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
|
| |
| Q |
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
|
| A |
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
|
| A |
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Political Science majors' does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.
|
| |
| Q |
How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex
exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the
removed lightbulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. The invisible hand does it.
|
| A |
None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for
illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the
lightbulb lighting up again."
|
| A |
None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting
brighter !!!
|
| |
| Q |
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
|
| A |
That depends on the wage rate.
|
| A |
Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
|
| A |
Two. One to assume the latter and change the bulb.
|
| A |
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally
a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front
of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The
size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether
or not the function is exponential is not known.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in
six months anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
|
| A |
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
|
| |
| Q |
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
|
| A |
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
|
| A |
None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
|
| A |
One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the
operation is started.
|
| A |
Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
|
| A |
Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite
peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine,
another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify
earning such swingeing fees...
|
| |
| Q |
How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
|
| A |
400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a
help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it
will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the
drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about
how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1
to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light
bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb
- how we did it" magazine.
|
| |
| Q |
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
|
| A |
At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because
they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"
|
| |
| Q |
How many Bill Gates' does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.
|
| |
| Q |
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
|
| |
| Q |
How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
|
| |
| Q |
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
|
| A |
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
|
| |
| Q |
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
|
| |
| Q |
How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should
we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
|
| |
| Q |
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
|
| A |
Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
|
| A |
None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of
the environment.
|
| |
| Q |
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
as to why the last one went out.
|
| |
| Q |
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many GOP members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
|
| |
| Q |
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to
allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800'
number to order an American light bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
|
| A |
None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
the dark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a
light bulb in the White House?
|
| A |
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
|
| |
| Q |
How many light bulbs does it take to change the president?
|
| A |
Only one, if it's filled with napalm!!!
|
| |
| Q |
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
|
| A |
None -- He'll only promise "change."
|
| A |
He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
|
| |
| Q |
How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
need a Constitutional ammendment.
|
| A |
Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
screwing one extra lightbulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Less and less all the time.
|
| |
| Q |
How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
|
| |
| Q |
How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find
out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Democratic presidential candidates [since 1988] did it take to
screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
(Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we
have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept.
of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or
business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
|
| A |
(Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light
bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove
the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and
help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
|
| A |
(Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it
only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South
Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see
how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
|
| A |
(Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent
it, and the American people resent it.
|
| A |
(Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth
solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At
least I hope not.
|
| A |
(Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing
my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's
all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for
this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in
the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
|
| A |
(Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution
at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even
the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the
American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even
paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra
light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes,
from the lighthouse to the White House.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Republican Presidential candidates [since 1988] did it take to
change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
(Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't
have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
|
| A |
(DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have
always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of
the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need
changing.
|
| A |
(Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
|
| A |
(Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let
those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair
in the dark].
|
| A |
(Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
|
| A |
(Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question.
I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing
alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
|
| A |
None, they only screw the poor
|
| |
| Q |
How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Hell, how can he? He sold all the lightbulbs to Iran.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Douglas Wilders [candidate who ran/not ran for a seat in
the Senate for Virgina]] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb
in or not!
|
| |
| Q |
How many Chuck Robbs [candidate who ran for a seat in
the Senate for Virgina] does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
lightbulb to Iran.
|
| |
| Q |
How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone
hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense
examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it
proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the
bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the
room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one
to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
|
| |
| Q |
How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
What light bulb?
|
| A |
Just one - Nancy.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial
("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the
Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one
to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning
out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old
colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the
cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the
next generation.
|
| |
| Q |
How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but
the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb."
|
| |
| Q |
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
|
| A |
None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
That's a military secret.
|
| |
| Q |
How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests
of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature.
Next question, please.
|
| |
| Q |
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
|
| A |
Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the
Environmental Impact Statement.
|
| A |
One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor
to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition
to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb,
a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order
a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
|
| A |
Seven - one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be
shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are
maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal
regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the
paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
|
| A |
Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
|
| A |
Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally
finishes screwing it up.
|
| A |
None, we contract out for things like that.
|
| |
| Q |
How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs
burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to
enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
|
| |
| Q |
How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design
change request form.
|
| |
| Q |
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
|
| A |
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
|
| |
| Q |
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
|
| A |
One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old
one has burnt out.
|
| |
| Q |
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
|
| A |
None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
|
| |
| Q |
How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
(i.e., the Falkland Islands war)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
|
| |
| Q |
How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn!"
|
| |
| Q |
How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the
Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the
house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion
of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at
Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church
to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of
bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas
Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent,
fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the
light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being
screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop
steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's
best friend did it real cheap for me once.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
|
| |
| Q |
How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they like Danzig in the dark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
|
| |
| Q |
How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Four - one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive
the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while
he does it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other
skater on the knee.
|
| |
| Q |
How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......
|
| |
| Q |
How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
|
| A |
JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?
|
| |
| Q |
How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...
|
| |
| Q |
How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but they're really three.
|
| |
| Q |
How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new
and old bulbs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
|
| |
| Q |
How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger
King burger."
|
| |
| Q |
How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been
*this* big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely enough!
|
| |
| Q |
How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobody's looking,
just to be certain.
|
| |
| Q |
How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
|
| A |
About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the
result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he
cannot change it, right?
|
| |
| Q |
How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
|
| |
| Q |
How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so
it'll be architecturally accurate.
|
| |
| Q |
How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To
the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it
out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and
to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
|
| |
| Q |
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne
had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy
alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
|
| A |
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and
met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's
shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox
occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of
existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or
vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone
and change the room. It's all relative.
|
| |
| Q |
How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
|
| A |
Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't figured that out yet.
|
| |
| Q |
How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to
spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone.
(The rest of the answers to this question refer to a long boring series
of arguments I got dragged into on the uk.singles newsgroup.)
None, because : -
|
| A |
Despite what you say, it is still working and doesn't need replacing.
|
| A |
Statistically speaking, as most lightbulbs don't need replacing this
one doesn't either (and until someone produces another statistic I'm
not going to replace it.)
|
| A |
It should be able to get itself out of this situation.
|
| A |
You get someone else to do it as the prelude and postscript are too long
and not worth the effort.
|
| A |
Lightbulbs are morally reprehensible creatures consuming energy
produced from dead animals.
|
| A |
I have a number of friendly exes who would be more than happy to come round
and do it for me.
|
| A |
The existing lightbulb has not formally apologised for failing.
|
| A |
I could illuminate the room simply by leaving it.
|
| A |
You simply don't understand the lightbulb cluster system Richard and if
one lightbulb fails ....
|
| A |
I haven't got a trowel. (eh ?)
|
| A |
Look, the lightbulb was rude to me so I changed it OK ? So leave me alone
and change the lightbulb yourself too.
|
| A |
If you don't like the lightbulb why don't you just put it in your kill
file and quit whining ?
|
| A |
The lightbulb owes me an apology for its behaviour.
|
| A |
You should just bring your friends round to help you sort it out the
first time it misbehaves. What's that you say ? You're married and you
haven't got any friends ?
|
| A |
I don't care what the outcome will be of the vote you take on it. Voting
won't change anything, least of all the lightbulb.
|
| A |
The lightbulb is just trying to wind me up. It should either make an
exact statement of the problem and produce evidence to back this up, or
it should START WORKING AGAIN.
|
| A |
I like the lightbulb because it is annoying everyone else.
|
| A |
Look, the dead lightbulb *is* funny, and someone *does* like it.
|
| A |
I don't care if you do think the dead lightbulb is wasting space.
|
| A |
Just because you're older than me doesn't mean you're wiser, so I still
don't think it needs changing.
|
| A |
It doesn't bother me that nobody here likes my decision not to change it.
|
| A |
Just because you have more experience of lightbulb changing from the
lightbulb's side than I do doesn't mean I'm wrong in saying it doesn't
need changing. After all, I have more experience of lightbulb changing
from the changer's side than you do, so that makes us even.
|
| A |
The socket should eject the worthless bulb and find itself a better one.
|
| A |
I am annoyed by all you lot implying I've never changed a lightbulb before,
but I'm not going to divulge any information about my experience of
lightbulb changing here since you would still make fun of it anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
|
| |
| Q |
How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None. It's of no interest to them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
|
| |
| Q |
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
|
| |
| Q |
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
|
| |
| Q |
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
|
| |
| Q |
How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
|
| |
| Q |
How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but he uses a chainsaw.
|
| A |
They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
|
| |
| Q |
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
|
| |
| Q |
How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
|
| A |
Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection
slip to the old bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!
|
| |
| Q |
How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Does it have to be a lightbulb?
|
| |
| Q |
How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is
the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed?
It seems inconsistent.
|
| A |
None. "I'm not changing a thing"
|
| |
| Q |
How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
|
| |
| Q |
How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query
them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture?
|
| |
| Q |
How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
|
| |
| Q |
How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
|
| |
| Q |
How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
(pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
|
| |
| Q |
How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without
checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to
accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it
was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
|
| A |
Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been
thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and
one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None-Hanover doesn't have electricity!
|
| |
| Q |
How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Two-one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
(Note : Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's
right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
(Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 60s.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None-New Haven looks better in the dark!
(Note : Have you been to New Haven? It does.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
One - and that's what his degree will be in!
(Note : Because Brown has no real core curriculum.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
(Note : Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the
others, and it's very preprofessional.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
|
| A |
*Sigh* The *Alumni* *pay* people to do things like that *for* us.
|
| A |
I don't know, let me call my maid.
(Note : Princeton has a reputation for being a bit wealthier and WASPier than
the other seven.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to
change a light bulb?
|
| A |
All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job
they can get after they graduate.
|
| A |
Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
|
| |
| Q |
How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
|
| A |
Change it to what?
|
| |
| Q |
How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
|
| |
| Q |
How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this
is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
|
| A |
Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
as the older, heavier ones.
|
| |
| Q |
How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
|
| |
| Q |
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
|
| A |
Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and
the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We
have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
[Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
|
| A |
Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
|
| A |
None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb ??
|
| A |
Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
|
| |
| Q |
How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
|
| |
| Q |
How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.
|
| |
| Q |
How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
|
| A |
Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
|
| A |
Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut
airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel
and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the
world!!
|
| |
| Q |
How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's
bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up
the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little
eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of
dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the
bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly
eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
|
| A |
Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
|
| A |
16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"
|
| |
| Q |
How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily
after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get
nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up
late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend
nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
|
| |
| Q |
How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to
perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology
to advance sufficiently to revive it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to
find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape,
one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of
the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the
bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The
new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of
expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed
doing something totally useless.
|
| |
| Q |
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
|
| A |
None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
|
| |
| Q |
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
|
| |
| Q |
How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
|
| A |
None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot
exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb...
|
| |
| Q |
How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. The sockets all went with the house.
|
| |
| Q |
How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off
that noone ever has enough time to get anything done !
|
| |
| Q |
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
|
| A |
2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasn't
been done already !
|
| A |
1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
|
| |
| Q |
How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
|
| A |
Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted
to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been
submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about
12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.
|
| A |
One.
|
| |
| Q |
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
|
| |
| Q |
How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
|
| |
| Q |
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar
one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one
come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new
and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that
that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
|
| |
| Q |
How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
|
| |
| Q |
How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light
Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends
up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's
driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union
steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. The replacement bulbs have refused to cross the union picket lines.
|
| |
| Q |
How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
|
| |
| Q |
How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in
a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker
spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light
while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
|
| |
| Q |
How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
|
| |
| Q |
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
|
| |
| Q |
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
|
| A |
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
|
| |
| Q |
How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis.
|
| |
| Q |
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
|
| |
| Q |
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
|
| A |
Both of them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None 'o yo' f**kin' business!
|
| A |
50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
|
| A |
Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
|
| A |
21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
|
| A |
Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to
replace it after the ensuing publicity.
|
| |
| Q |
How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Both of them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his
greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
|
| |
| Q |
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it,
and one to maintain it afterwards.
|
| A |
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
|
| A |
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules
to do unit testing, it stops working.
|
| A |
The change is 90% complete.
|
| A |
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to
maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
two months?
|
| A |
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we
have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship
to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
|
| A |
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer
to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one
lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users
who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which
point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
|
| A |
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was
a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
|
| A |
None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
|
| A |
Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as
"None. It's a hardware problem.")
|
| A |
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
|
| A |
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
|
| A |
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in,
and two to explain why the project was late.
|
| |
| Q |
How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
|
| A |
Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
|
| A |
None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
|
| A |
2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in
|
| A |
Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
|
| A |
None: "We'll fix it in software."
|
| |
| Q |
How long will it take?
|
| A |
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
|
| |
| Q |
What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
|
| A |
They replace your fuse box.
|
| |
| Q |
How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the
light bulb in question.
|
| |
| Q |
How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
"That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2
bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the
potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert
channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book">
|
| |
| Q |
How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we
just find them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
|
| A |
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
|
| |
| Q |
How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2]" he'll mash both the live and
dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Read the man page!
|
| |
| Q |
How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. All of the lightbulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such
won't fit your particular implementation of the socket.
(However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
|
| |
| Q |
How many software vendors does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and
re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
|
| A |
Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
|
| A |
Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that
the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use
any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
|
| A |
"Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can
just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb
version 6.1..."
|
| |
| Q |
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
|
| |
| Q |
How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None, they forgot to declare it first
|
| |
| Q |
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile
all the libraries...
|
| |
| Q |
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
1.00000000001
|
| |
| Q |
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise
20 goto 10
|
| |
| Q |
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
|
| A |
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his
light-bulb in THEIR socket.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
False.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
|
| A |
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
|
| A |
(((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... ]
|
| |
| Q |
How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
|
| A |
f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
|
| |
| Q |
How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
How many?
|
| A |
It depends : -
If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice
as many as are currently available.
If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant
of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows.
If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the
bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
|
| A |
One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using
PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the
user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for
changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a
spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user
to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure
(prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT
which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve
different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and
prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb
into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to
explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay
to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site
sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to
explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an
incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert
new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is
fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into
a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front
end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little
speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that
management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to
prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking
credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well
as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second
SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of
light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs
(made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and
background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten
to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to
ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
|
| A |
Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
|
| A |
Please let us know!
|
| A |
That depends; what color is the bulb?
|
| A |
It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That
needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
|
| A |
They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual,
and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
|
| A |
This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
|
| A |
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals
doesn't tip over.
|
| A |
One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15
manuals on the shelf.
|
| A |
Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
|
| A |
Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity
of the) output.
|
| A |
It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
|
| |
| Q |
How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. There's a primitive for that.
|
| |
| Q |
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
|
| |
| Q |
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None: "The user can work it out."
|
| A |
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
|
| A |
None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
"Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be
working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
|
| A |
I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
|
| |
| Q |
How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
lightbulb?
|
| A |
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
|
| |
| Q |
How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
|
| |
| Q |
How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician
before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
|
| |
| Q |
How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've
thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger
about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush*
|
| |
| Q |
How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
|
| |
| Q |
How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card
first, which is extra.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None - it will be fined (fixed?) in the next version.
|
| A |
586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince
them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
|
| A |
Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
|
| A |
Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
|
| A |
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
|
| A |
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert
the new one.
|
| A |
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look
and feel" of the bulb changing method.
|
| A |
Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
|
| A |
Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old
sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
|
| A |
None - there's no documentation available, so you have to
wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
|
| A |
Did you try rebooting with extensions off ?
(Notes : On the Macintosh, certain types of crashes can sometimes be
attributed to not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one
of the extensions is at fault in a crash is to reboot with extensions off
and see if it crashes again.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it, and one to sniff the first ones' butt.
|
| |
| Q |
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Just one. As long as she can get under your feet and trip you up while
you're changing it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
|
| |
| Q |
How many dinosaurs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos they have to
evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in. :)
|
| |
| Q |
How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open
plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
|
| |
| Q |
How many battery chickens does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
21. 1 to change the bulb, and 20 to provide the current.
|
| |
| Q |
How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
|
| A |
Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
|
| |
| Q |
Why did the lightbulb cross the road ?
|
| A |
Because it saw 2 elephants coming.
|
| |
| Q |
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
|
| A |
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None: they do it in the fruit.
|
| |
| Q |
How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They screw in hotel rooms.
|
| |
| Q |
How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go!
|
| A |
Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
|
| |
| Q |
How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
|
| A |
None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per
family to save electricity.
|
| A |
How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
|
| |
| Q |
How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
|
| |
| Q |
How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and
brag about it in the pub afterwards.
|
| A |
One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
|
| A |
Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one
to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
|
| A |
Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the
bulb and screw it in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it...
|
| |
| Q |
How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
|
| |
| Q |
How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
|
| |
| Q |
How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and
one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
|
| |
| Q |
Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
|
| A |
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
in on the guest list.
|
| A |
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around
and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
|
| A |
5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they
know the guy who owns the socket.
|
| |
| Q |
How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other
how they could have done it better.
|
| |
| Q |
How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under
her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for _you_ dear."
|
| |
| Q |
How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal
chords. Have the bassist do it."
|
| |
| Q |
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect
YOU to understand.
|
| |
| Q |
How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the
loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with
the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
|
| |
| Q |
How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how
good the old one was.
|
| |
| Q |
How many barbershoppers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
7. 1 to change the light bulb, 4 to sing about how much they miss
the old one and 2 to sell tickets to the "afterglow".
|
| |
| Q |
How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.
|
| |
| Q |
How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
|
| A |
Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything
to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance
they want to do.
|
| |
| Q |
How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
|
| A |
Eight. Square dancers do EVERYTHING in groups of eight. ;-)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it
to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the
dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the
remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they don't get up that high.
|
| |
| Q |
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how
much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
|
| A |
Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.
|
| |
| Q |
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how
David Sanborn would've done it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that
that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
|
| |
| Q |
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've
done that !"
|
| A |
5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a
bit differently.
|
| A |
It can't be done. They only know how to twist things to the _right_.
|
| A |
"This one goes to eleven."
(note: This refers to guitarists inability to turn volume knobs any way
but to the right.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are
trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
|
| A |
None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
|
| A |
It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
|
| A |
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
|
| |
| Q |
How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
|
| A |
None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
|
| A |
Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
|
| A |
"Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if
you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
|
| A |
Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new
model bulb out which is much better.
|
| A |
Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
|
| A |
Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."
|
| |
| Q |
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't
just be pushed in.
|
| A |
One, but only after asking "Why?"
|
| A |
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after
they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
|
| A |
None. They have a machine that does that now.
|
| A |
10. One to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham
(or Steve Gadd) would have done it !
|
| A |
One .. Two, and a-one two three four
|
| |
| Q |
How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
|
| A |
Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way
Bill Monroe would have done it.
|
| A |
It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it
again anyway after everybody else is done.
|
| A |
They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and
the other to play harp.
|
| A |
Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs
about the old, wornout lightbulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck
|
| |
| Q |
How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
getting stuck...
|
| |
| Q |
How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin'
in the wind.
|
| |
| Q |
How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"
|
| |
| Q |
How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
|
| A |
Four. "Why four?" I just recon it to be about four, pal.
|
| A |
Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take
collections in the bulb's name.
|
| |
| Q |
How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we
may add one fraternity to start the "wet T-shirt" contest!
|
| A |
51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
|
| |
| Q |
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
|
| A |
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
|
| A |
Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out.
|
| A |
Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light
bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
|
| A |
250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it
it was politically correct.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they have council fires instead.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops ! I mean,
er, the lightbulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
|
| A |
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
|
| A |
How long have you been having this phantasy ?
|
| A |
How many do *you* think it takes?
|
| |
| Q |
How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's
screwing it in the wrong way.
|
| A |
None. The lightbulb is just under too much pressure to perform.
|
| |
| Q |
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
It depends on what you want them to change it into.
|
| |
| Q |
How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
|
| |
| Q |
How many health food freaks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on
the new one.
(But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons?)
|
| |
| Q |
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or
similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn
Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing
software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
|
| A |
Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to
buy the new one.
|
| A |
Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were
going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
|
| A |
None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like
organising each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.
|
| A |
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn the world around.
|
| |
| Q |
How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask
Michio Kushi for instructions.
|
| |
| Q |
How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the
ambulance.
|
| |
| Q |
How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think
beautiful thoughts.
|
| |
| Q |
How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
|
| |
| Q |
How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
|
| |
| Q |
How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one
to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
|
| A |
31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they
should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new
lightbulb - (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in...
and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...
|
| |
| Q |
How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they have their parents do it for them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
|
| |
| Q |
How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
|
| |
| Q |
How many law students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the rulebook gets
defenestrated !" and the other to complain about the hipopotamonstrosesqi
(can't remember the end of this word) end of his friend's last remark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around
arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
|
| |
| Q |
How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
|
| |
| Q |
How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
|
| |
| Q |
How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand
around wondering why they weren't chosen.
|
| A |
None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
|
| A |
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
|
| |
| Q |
How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
|
| |
| Q |
How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They are far too busy hacking.
|
| |
| Q |
How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.
|
| |
| Q |
How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
|
| A |
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
|
| A |
One if at home, but on school time, four.
|
| A |
On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a
million to pick up the pieces.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Ph.D thesis advisors does it take to change
a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible
urge to change it!
|
| |
| Q |
How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
bill the government for the house.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to
organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo
Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
|
| |
| Q |
How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. That's what research students are for.
|
| A |
Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
|
| |
| Q |
How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks
for a new one.
|
| |
| Q |
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd
really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
|
| A |
It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with
other men.
|
| A |
Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because
it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
|
| |
| Q |
How many latent homosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Only one of course, any more and they wouldn't get anything done. They
would spend all their time accusing each other of being a fag.
|
| |
| Q |
How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
|
| A |
None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
|
| A |
Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk about
the shade !
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
|
| |
| Q |
How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Sixty-nine.
|
| A |
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
|
| A |
Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
|
| A |
Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.
|
| |
| Q |
How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. "Who needs lights ?"
|
| A |
None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
|
| |
| Q |
How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they
wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
|
| |
| Q |
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
|
| |
| Q |
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
(It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."
|
| A |
None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the socket.
|
| A |
Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and
another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???
|
| A |
100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how
oppressed the socket is.
|
| A |
How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw
crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a
representative of mainstream feminism.
|
| A |
Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
|
| A |
Three. You need one to change it, one to do as in the previous answer, and
one to hold the magnifying glass.
|
| A |
11. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And 10 to form a survivors of darkness
support group!
|
| A |
Nine. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense committed
by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were
the socket, one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb, one to get all
charged up and horny watching the others, and one to try to keep count of
how many times a man, who was asked to do it and said he would, forgot,
ran out of time, forgot to buy spare bulbs, postponed it, had to go to
work, watched sport instead, tried to do it too late at night, forgot,
made sexual innuendos about changing lightbulbs in the presence of the
asker and a bunch of complete strangers, forgot, got angry about constantly
being reminded, said he'd do it after they made love, and still forgot !
|
| A |
Two. One to change it, and one to say she's not really enjoying it but
its better than a man.
|
| A |
Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a
third of the way in.
|
| A |
None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing.
|
| A |
Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female
electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
|
| A |
Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
|
| A |
Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any
man who tries to interfere.
|
| A |
Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications.
|
| A |
"Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB"
|
| A |
50,000 marching on Washington demanding the LB be changed!
|
| A |
That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10 women-only-government-
contractors working 2 years at a salary of $50,000 per year.
Otherwise, it's traditionally expected for the man to do it.
|
| A |
Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to research how the
white male patriarchy conspires to keep women and minorities in the dark.
|
| A |
Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be unable to provide her
children light without federal assistance; and a N.O.W. attorney to ask
the Justice Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in the
first place.
|
| A |
Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and minorities
will suffer more than anyone else because it's dark.
|
| A |
None, they prefer to just sit in the dark and bitch about it.
|
| A |
201. One to put on a seminar about how the burnt out lightbulb is another
instance of male dominated society and 200 to attend it, in the dark.
|
| A |
None. Women have a supreme court, constitionally protected
right to work in the dark if they choose to.
|
| A |
It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that
a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be banned by the FCC.
|
| A |
One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a minority
or woman contractor.
|
| A |
30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting Newt Gingrich
cutting off funds for the Federal Light Bulb Changing Agency...
|
| A |
Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harrassment
lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
|
| A |
Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to screw it in.
Another to file harassment charges against the men possibly
looking at her in the dark.
|
| A |
Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks are for!
|
| A |
If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up to the government
or the father to support any children resulting from such a sexual act.
She will also require free day care for the light bulb children and federal
funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be treated under
affirmative action hiring quotas.
|
| A |
Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform will limit the
number of free light bulbs a woman can receive to under 2 years supply.
|
| A |
One. But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump), she would be
able to replace the light bulb much easier.
|
| A |
One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother Earth and use a
fluorescent lamp designed to last 3 times longer and protect the
environment... But if a man isn't paying for it, then she will use
the cheapest one.
|
| A |
Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.
|
| A |
That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
|
| A |
One! And it's not funny!
|
| |
| Q |
How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
|
| |
| Q |
Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
|
| A |
He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.
|
| |
| Q |
How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it,
and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
|
| A |
One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many
there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs.
|
| A |
None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on
just by rubbing up against them.
|
| A |
Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
|
| A |
One -- men will screw anything.
|
| |
| Q |
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
|
| A |
None. They have the girls do it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
|
| A |
None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there is no such
thing as a genuine new man, and in any event, the media, who like
telling us what we all like, have declared that women don't really go
for new men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.
|
| |
| Q |
How many new romantics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing concept, man !"
|
| |
| Q |
How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going "Hmmm well I
don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I
woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else..."
|
| A |
Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras.(and
optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light.)
|
| A |
Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future.
|
| |
| Q |
How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
|
| A |
2. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"
|
| |
| Q |
How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.
|
| |
| Q |
How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices
that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so
farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.
|
| |
| Q |
How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable tv
pirating obnoxious belchin americanos does it take to screw in a LIGHTBULB.
|
| A |
None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing. Even if they did
they'd get someone else to do it.
|
| A |
One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of the soft white
variety over all others.
|
| |
| Q |
How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to
being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead,
they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a racist, BUT ....."
|
| |
| Q |
How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here."
|
| |
| Q |
How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None, they have a service come in and do that.
|
| |
| Q |
How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
|
| A |
Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss
the environmental impact.
|
| A |
Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
|
| A |
Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
|
| A |
Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
|
| A |
Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she
is familiar with.
|
| A |
One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the
problem to the previous question.
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the
light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Weiner, Matthew P., [11485@ucbvax], "Re: YALBJ", 1986
|
| |
| Q |
How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since
statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
|
| A |
Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist,
one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
|
| A |
One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
|
| |
| Q |
How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician.
|
| |
| Q |
How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to
be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and
individuality."
|
| |
| Q |
How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
|
| |
| Q |
How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
|
| |
| Q |
How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
|
| |
| Q |
How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
|
| A |
They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which
obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years
will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and
replace them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
|
| |
| Q |
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
|
| A |
None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
|
| |
| Q |
How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
|
| A |
One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be
done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
|
| A |
They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
|
| A |
If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
|
| A |
If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they
come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
|
| A |
The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed
in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
|
| |
| Q |
How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
|
| |
| Q |
How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to
design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and
screw itself in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
|
| |
| Q |
How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes
ten times as much for the same procedure!!
|
| |
| Q |
How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb,
and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
|
| |
| Q |
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
|
| A |
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
|
| A |
None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round
to the surgery later.
|
| A |
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
|
| A |
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
|
| A |
Nurse!
|
| A |
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Will somebody please call house-keeping?
|
| |
| Q |
How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this shit, and I don't know why
I always have to do everybody else's work anyway...
|
| |
| Q |
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
|
| A |
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
|
| |
| Q |
How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it
anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
|
| |
| Q |
How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Only one, but it takes nine visits.
|
| |
| Q |
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will
be working a bit better the next time they see it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.
|
| |
| Q |
How many hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the
replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the
delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
|
| A |
Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one.
Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department.
Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case.
Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually
or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole.
Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts
needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he
cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes
work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance
department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task
completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member
of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go
into department's workload report.
|
| |
| Q |
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
|
| A |
You can unscrew a light bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand
and yell support.
But they only get three attempts.
|
| A |
6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"
|
| |
| Q |
How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a light-bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm with the
old one.
|
| |
| Q |
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
|
| A |
It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer
it with the lights off.
|
| |
| Q |
How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the
new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
|
| |
| Q |
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
There is nothing to change.
|
| |
| Q |
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over
whether or not the lightbulb exists.
|
| A |
Define "lightbulb".................
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem,
such as "Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb.
Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it
looks up at you, thinks 'What the **** are you doing ?', and walks off.
But if you have a dog, it's looking up at you and thinking 'Well, I dunno
what the **** you're doing, but I love you anyway.'
|
| |
| Q |
How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
|
| A |
None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely euthanized.
|
| A |
66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do
anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each
phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from
radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently
with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out
others' mistakes; six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they
are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to
form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree
on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who
believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more
emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that
numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the BS
and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all
the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure
that it really does add up to 66.
|
| |
| Q |
How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have
changed it to "light bulb".
|
| |
| Q |
How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. They're never in the dark.
|
| A |
None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
|
| A |
None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?
|
| |
| Q |
How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
|
| A |
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
|
| A |
A tree in a golden forest.
|
| A |
Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
|
| A |
One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
|
| A |
None. Zen masters carry their own light.
|
| A |
Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Zen Buddists does it take to change a light bulb
|
| A |
(Wait for any answer, including "I don't know")
(Master/Questioner then hits student around head)
At this point the correct answer is "Thank you master for enlightenment"
however the student normally dissolves into gigggles for the next
couple of weeks.
[In the Zen koans (stories) the master always hits the student when they
try to answer a question. As the answer simply is.]
|
| |
| Q |
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
|
| |
| Q |
How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
(Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for
Salman Rushdie in the dark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine,
chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hari Krishna."
|
| |
| Q |
How many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
31: One to screw it in, 29 to dance around the light, and one to arrange
for a contingent of thousands of riot police to be there to keep out the
hippies and new-age travellers.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
2: One to screw it in and one to sell tickets to watch the Druids that
want to dance around it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they provide their own illumination.
|
| A |
Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.
|
| |
| Q |
How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Nun !
|
| |
| Q |
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
|
| A |
Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
bulb last rites.
|
| A |
They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent
for lightbulb changing.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Catholic Bishops does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None - Catholic Bishops don't change anything ....
|
| |
| Q |
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three, but they're really only one.
|
| A |
They don't. They wait for it to burn again on the third day.
|
| A |
200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see
the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how
that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out
as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,
2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more
are gathered together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the alt.satanism
newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble
paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our
beliefs), 74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the
lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that
if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper
god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and
at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used
to be a satanist" and now I've found the light. Yes, do
all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on -
unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs. They ban
light bulb jokes.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Don't know - I didn't let them in to find out.
|
| A |
None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be
replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
|
| |
| Q |
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
light bulbs too.
|
| A |
One, and thirty natives to see the light.
|
| |
| Q |
How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed
socket?
|
| A |
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw
right they would not be hunters.
|
| |
| Q |
How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh?)
|
| |
| Q |
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. It turned itself in.
|
| A |
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
|
| |
| Q |
How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
|
| |
| Q |
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
How many can you afford?
|
| A |
It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up
and shouting "Objection !"
|
| A |
None, lawyers only screw us.
|
| A |
Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to
really screw a bulb...
|
| A |
Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house,
and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
|
| A |
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one
to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to
stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the
bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
|
| |
| Q |
How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it
at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured
on the back page of the gutter press.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out
from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who,
then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to
roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
|
| A |
15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other
side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
|
| |
| Q |
How many college football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
|
| A |
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
|
| A |
Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many foot players does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
|
| |
| Q |
How many people at a football match does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice
bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
|
| |
| Q |
How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top
sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding
"their" team) does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and
make the world revolve around it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how
much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many pro-wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump
onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of
the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round
and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white
stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about
something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
|
| A |
5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
|
| |
| Q |
How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the
screwing began.
|
| A |
Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures
of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the
new bulb to let the room stay dark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before
it was lit up.
|
| |
| Q |
How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the
ramifications of the change.
|
| |
| Q |
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
|
| A |
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
|
| |
| Q |
How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None; assholes never see the light anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
|
| A |
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
|
| A |
Only one. "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
|
| |
| Q |
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
About one third less than for a regular bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many WASPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
(look at the other person pityingly) One.
|
| |
| Q |
How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
What?! And ruin my nails???
|
| A |
Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant.
|
| A |
Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
(Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the drink.)
|
| |
| Q |
How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her
friends about it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
|
| A |
None-just assume it's changed.
|
| |
| Q |
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
|
| |
| Q |
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
|
| A |
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
|
| |
| Q |
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
|
| A |
Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I
was up there !"
|
| A |
A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical
manner according to the part they're playing
|
| |
| Q |
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
|
| |
| Q |
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Hell's Angels does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one. But do you really want to hang upside down with a light
bulb up your ass for asking??
|
| |
| Q |
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
|
| |
| Q |
How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
|
| |
| Q |
How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but it takes twelve steps.
|
| A |
One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
|
| A |
One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
|
| |
| Q |
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
It depends whether the switch is on or off.
|
| A |
If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until
one of them figures out to turn it off.
|
| |
| Q |
How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
|
| |
| Q |
How many ATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the
house when it rebuffs them.
|
| A |
It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.
|
| |
| Q |
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
|
| |
| Q |
How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
|
| |
| Q |
How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he
turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of
the report despite the manipulation.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent
one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion,
and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true
light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the
bulb gets screwed in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if
they need light they go out and look at the sun.
|
| |
| Q |
How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively
modern invention.
|
| |
| Q |
How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be
flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is
incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve
the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke
into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native
Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action
Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been
underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara
Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the
way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole
procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for
everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
|
| A |
None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they
know how to do it.
|
| A |
Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a
big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a
hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin
so they can all watch his moose moult.
|
| A |
Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out "Get
Back!, Get Back!".
|
| A |
Ten. One to screw in the bulb and the other nine for crowd control.
|
| |
| Q |
How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in
tight circles.
|
| A |
Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it
down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
|
| |
| Q |
How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
|
| A |
Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't
going to hatch.
|
| A |
None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
|
| |
| Q |
How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
|
| |
| Q |
How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story
about "last night."
|
| |
| Q |
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
|
| |
| Q |
How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it
feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
|
| |
| Q |
How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
|
| A |
They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs,
and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot
of people get hurt because they can't see.
|
| |
| Q |
How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while
doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
|
| A |
Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
|
| A |
One, and a lot of light bulbs.
|
| A |
Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal
more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
|
| A |
Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by
its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
|
| |
| Q |
How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
|
| A |
One, if you aim well.
|
| |
| Q |
What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
|
| A |
Neither one is very bright.
A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His
girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers.
``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
|
| |
| Q |
How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together
to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to
plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass
naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV
shows, and one to play classic rock.
|
| |
| Q |
How many generation Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something
to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
|
| |
| Q |
How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they *like* it in the dark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
One.
|
| |
| Q |
How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
|
| |
| Q |
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
|
| |
| Q |
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
|
| A |
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Billions and billions.
|
| |
| Q |
How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around
to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb
costs 3 million dollars.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent
satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
|
| |
| Q |
How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
|
| A |
There's no evidence that the change is due to evolution. What use would
a mutation that produced part of a filament be?
|
| A |
Evolution can only produce different shapes of light
bulbs; it can never change it into an animal.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Bayesians/subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
As many as you think it takes based on Bayesian inference.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Vanna Whites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. A dead bulb won't light up.
|
| |
| Q |
How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
Why bother?
|
| |
| Q |
How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
|
| |
| |
| Q |
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against
the will of God.
|
| A |
Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
|
| |
| Q |
How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
We can't say.
|
| A |
Three, in fourteen countries.
|
| |
| Q |
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
|
| |
| Q |
How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
|
| |
| Q |
How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
|
| |
| Q |
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
|
| A |
First he bites off the old one.
|
| |
| Q |
How many angels can dance on a lightbulb?
|
| A |
|
| |
| Q |
How does a blonde screw in a lightbulb?
|
| A |
With lubricant.
|
| |
| Q |
Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
|
| A |
Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
|
| A |
Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
|
| |
| Q |
How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
|
| A |
one. It isN't oo easy.
|
| |
| Q |
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
| A |
None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
|
| |
| Q |
Why does it take three women with PMS to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Cos it does, RIGHT ?
|
| |
| Q |
What did the lightbulb say to the fuse ?
|
| A |
That's a blow !
|
| |
| Q |
How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
|
| |
| Q |
How many chess computers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to remove the lightbulb by capturing it en passant, one to put
the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed,
one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the
other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise,
and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.
|
| |
| Q |
How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
None. They are too "Short".
|
| A |
21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
|
| |
| Q |
How many ping pong players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to
change the lightbulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix
the lightbulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us"
catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for
50p less.
|
| |
| Q |
How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
|
| |
| Q |
How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met:
The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will
study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be
raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be
from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the
bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of
changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will
be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the
old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will
cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb
failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip
to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most
congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian
light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing
system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The
surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light
bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will
be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling
the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of
free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will s
end every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to
get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
|
| |
| Q |
How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
|
| A |
Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the
lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and
call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947
tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others
are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was
better before they changed the lightbulb.
|
| |
| Q |
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
|
| A |
7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
|
| A |
Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell
Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT,
Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to
screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
|
| A |
All of them. Bones to say "Its dead Jim", Uhura to send a distress signal,
Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian
invention", Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early
demise of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.
|
| A |
The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat
to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up
some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours
but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an
emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any
known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three
security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the
Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the
security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies
when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy
are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be
in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too.
Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be
useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the
chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a
duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone
crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the
chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love
with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers
her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to
kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is
not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties
of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating
Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is
convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he
returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the
light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break,
they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the
bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just
happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the
starfield appears, and the episode ends.
|
| |
| Q |
How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress,
I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and
remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the
dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a
hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and
replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design.
Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just
before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry
truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
|
| |
| Q |
How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to
change a lightbulb?
|
| A |
At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state,
One to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver,
One to hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model
of human lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16):
[One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic,
One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic,
One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to
show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't
non-monotonic, One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL,
One to determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the
completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the solution,
One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One to hack a theorem
prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel theory of
lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory isn't
complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate
how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call
the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system
to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new
bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One
to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to
rotate 360+ degrees, One to figure out how to make the universal joint go
the other way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to
the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack the
planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to
indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb
changing], The knowledge engineering group (6): [One to study electricians'
changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines,
One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great
accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort (The
same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related research, One
to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing
behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to
bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the
group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make
incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to
rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another
to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp
dialect, Another to rehack the window package properly, One to flame on
BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of
code required to change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One
to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One
to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the behaviour, One
to call the expert systems group, One to adjust the resulting system, so
that it drops the right number of bulbs.
|
| |
| Q |
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A |
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry
way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by
the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
- The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said
direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to
maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.
The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
throughout.
- Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
- Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress
and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
|
