Canonical Murphy's Laws 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2. A 300 dollar picture tube will protect a 10 cent fuse by blowing first. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup. A billion saved is a billion earned. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is dead. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A bureaucracy is like a septic tank, all the really big shits float to the top. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place. A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library. A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing." A day without sunshine is like night. A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. A disagreeable task is its own reward. A donkey is a horse designed by a study team. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. A flying particle will seek the nearest eye. A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money stabilize the economy. A free agent is anything but. A friend in need is a pest indeed. A future product release date does NOT say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance in HELL of seeing it before that time. A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth. A good scapegoat is hard to find. A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem. A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. A little humility is arrogance. A little ignorance can go a long way. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. A man should be greater than some of his parts. A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it. A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. A penny saved has not been spent. A penny saved is an economic breakthrough. A penny saved is ridiculous. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth. A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator. A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if it does oscillate at all. A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason. A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete or a new canvas to an artist. A short cut is the longest distance between two points. A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. A stagnant science is at a standstill. A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine. A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable. A theory is better than its explanation. A theory is better than its explanation. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed. Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent possible to make trivial ideas profound...Q.E.D. Action expands to fill the void created by human failure. Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every airplane's weight. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Age is relative; when you're over the hill, you pick up speed. Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero. Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. All American cars are basically Chevrolets. All general statements are false; think about it. All generalizations are false, including this one. All generalizations are useless, including this one. All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start! All great discoveries are made by mistake. All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way. All laws are basically false. All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible. All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. All things being equal, all things are never equal. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment. All work and no play, will make you a manager. Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of. Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. Always be backlit. Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. Always hire a rich attorney. Always hire a rich attorney. Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working. Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it. Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle. Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn! Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him. Always try to stop talking before people stop listening. Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame! Ambiguity is invariant. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Among economists, the real world is often a special case. An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion. An exception - test a rule; it never proves it. An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him. An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form. An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original. An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure. An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure". Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics. Any change looks terrible at first. Any decision is better than no decision. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. Any horizontal surface is soon piled up. Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion. Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether. Any landing you can walk away from is a good one. Any line, however short, is still too long. Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used. Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. Any pre-cut equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with Any producing entity is the last to use its own product. Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced. Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers. Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center. Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes. Any wire cut to length will be too short. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else. Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool. Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Anything is easier to take apart than to put together. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up. Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse is not true.) Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow. Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought. Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails. As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence. As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes. Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out. At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Bad news drives good news out of the media. Badness comes in waves. Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor. Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty. Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it. Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you. Believing is seeing. Better latent than never. Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts. Beware the fury of a patient man. Beware the man of one book. Beware the wrath of a patient person. Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels. Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living. Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed. Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Build something foolproof and every fool will use it. Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do. Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste. Bureaucracy: When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more government workers than there are workers. By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends. By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. Cant produces countercant. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. Celibacy is not hereditary. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Change is the status quo. Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds. Check the answer you have worked out once more - before you tell anybody. Chipped dishes never break. Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. Cleanliness is next to impossible Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong. Common sense is not so common. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with (Insert Your Favorite group/person) Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Confusion creates jobs. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it. Create a need and fill it. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing. Creditors have better memories than debtors. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Dare to be average. Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge. Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization, but they are made by considering the benefits to the decision-makers. Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications. Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves. Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "go to hell" in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them. Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them. Do someone a favor and it becomes your job. Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do. Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices. Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted. Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out. Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it. Don't blame me; nobody asked my opinion. Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow. Don't force it, get a bigger hammer. Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Don't get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost. Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia. Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. Don't make your doctor your heir. Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding. Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. Don't try to have the last word; you might get it. Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway. Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent. Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness. Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average. Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. Enough research will tend to support your theory. Entropy has us outnumbered. Error is often more earnest than truth. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it. Even paranoids have enemies. Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Every solution breeds new problems. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens. Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer. Everybody's gotta be someplace. Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Everything goes wrong at once. Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Everything is actually everything else, just recycled. Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything tastes more or less like chicken. Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible. Exceptions always outnumber rules. Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. Excuses are like assholes; everybody has one! Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a decade. Expenditures rise to meet income. expensive connectors at both ends. Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it. Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory. Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. Extremes meet. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is bullshit. Familiarity breeds attempt. Familiarity breeds children. Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent. Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches. Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. For every "10" there are 10 "1's". For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it. For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong. For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash. Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places. Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it. Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself. Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration. Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews. Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate. Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Go where the money is. Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow never misses. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something. Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Great minds run in great circles. Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Hardware works best when it matters the least. Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure? Have you flogged your crew today? He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords. He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written. He who dies with the most toys is still dead. He who dies with the most toys, still dies. He who dies with the most toys, wins. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit. He who hesitates is probably right. He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat. He who shouts the loudest has the floor. He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints. Hindsight is an exact science. Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold. History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other. History is the science of what never happens twice. History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history. Houses are for people to live in. Gardens are for plants to live in. There is no such thing as a houseplant. How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part. I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance. I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. I knocked several times, but you weren't in -- Opportunity I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one. I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your Favorite Group/Person) I think...therefore I am confused. I will get it done when I get it done! I would give $1000 to be a millionaire. IBM PC-compatible computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment. If "n" electronic components are required, "n-1" are available. If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. If a string has one end, it has another. If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. If anything can go wrong, it will. If anything is used to its full potential, it will break. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor. If at first you don't succeed, cheat! If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport. If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. If at first you don't succeed, try something else. If at first you don't succeed, well...darn. If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway. If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either. If at first you don't succeed, your successor will. If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee; that will do them in. If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods. If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it. If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on. If everything seems to go right, check your zipper. If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery. If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. If it does exist, it's out of date. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology. If it doesn't work, expand it. If it happens, it must be possible. If it is good, they will stop making it. If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money. If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true. If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone. If it should exist, it doesn't. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. If it works, don't fix it! If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable. If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once. If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine. If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent. If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too. If the shoe fits, it's ugly If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration. If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel. If there isn't a law, there will be. If things were left to chance, they would be better. If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education! If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon. If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging. If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. If you are coasting, you're going downhill. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both. If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes. If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line. If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. If you cannot fix it, feature it. If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights! If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos. If you cannot measure output, then you measure input. If you can't learn how to do it well, learn how to enjoy doing it poorly. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion. If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost. If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed. If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly. If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. If you do not make dust, you eat dust. If you do not say it, they can't repeat it. If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious. If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is. If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it. If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you. If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet. If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored. If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes. If you put it off long enough, it might go away. If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line. If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. If you throw something away, you will need it the next day. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. If you understand it, it is obsolete. If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others. If you want to get along, go along. If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added. Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed. Ignorance is no excuse. Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the bastards grind you down" In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision. In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the administration requests, minus 4-percent tax. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage. In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence. In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. In the fight between you and the world, back the world. In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra day. In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable. Incompetence is a double-edged banana. Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Indifference is the only sure defense. Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know. Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to know. Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience. Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out. Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme. Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today. Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol. Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. Interchangable parts won't. Interchangeable devices won't. Interchangeable parts won't. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done. Is there life before coffee? It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. It costs a lot to build bad products. It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up. It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose. It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear. It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. It is a poor workman who blames his tools. It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class. It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth. It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission. It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together. It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense. It is later than you think. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too. It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you. It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures. It is not true that life is one damn thing after another, it's one damn thing over and over. It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. It is the dead wood that holds up the tree. It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you. It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of ten degradation accomplished. It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes. It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem. It just doesn't get any Beta than this. It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right. It won't work. It works better if you plug it in. It works better if you plug it in. It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything. It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black. It's always darkest just before the lights go out. It's always the wrong time of the month. It's always the wrong time of the month. It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. It's better to retire too soon than too late. It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent. It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. It's Good Enough For Government Work. It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous! It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it. It's Not My Job! It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks. It's out of my control. I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job. Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do. Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's worth the effort. Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you. Just keep your employees in the dark and feed them bullshit. Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle. Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore. Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats. Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable. Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats. Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. Leakproof seals will. Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Make dust or eat dust. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Management by objectives is no better than the objectives. Many are called, but few are at their desks. Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you DIDN'T! Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end. Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all. Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most general statements are false, including this one. Most of the information in organizations, and most of the information people really care about, isn't on computers. Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. Most projects require three hands. Most projects start out slowly, and then sort of taper off. Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere. Mother Nature is a bitch. Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once. Murphy was an optimist. Murphy was an optimist. My client(sponsor/customer) doesn't know what he wants. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Nature is a mother. Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion. Needs are a function of what other people have. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Never be first to do anything. Never be last. Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can. Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change. Never buy from a rich salesman. Never buy from a rich salesman. Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Never eat prunes when you are famished. Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Never invest in anything that eats. Never judge a day by the weather. Never kick a man unless he's down. Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of the year, in either direction. Never put all your eggs in your pocket. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. Never replicate a successful experiment. Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Never speculate on that which can be known for certain. Never tell them what you wouldn't do. Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never volunteer for anything. Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it. Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top. Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example. No good deed goes unpunished. No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. No man's credit is as good as his money. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration. No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would. No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it. No matter where you go, there you are. No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back. No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind. No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. No one is listening until you make a mistake. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. No rain, no rainbows. No real problem has a solution. No two identical parts are exactly alike. Nobody notices the big errors. Nobody notices when things go right. Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. Nobody told me. Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. Nothing can be done in one trip. Nothing ever comes out as planned. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary. Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent. Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work. Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less. Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel. Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur. Office Of Precision Guesswork Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill. Old age is always fifteen years older than you are. Old programmers never die, they just abend. On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it. On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease. On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. One child is not enough, but two children are far too many. One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow. One of those days? I have one of those lives. One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays. One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the unexpected should have been expected. One test is worth a thousand expert opinions. One's life tends to be like a beaver's, one dam thing after another. One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output. Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy. Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work. Only a mediocre person is always at their best. Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it. Only them as knows their own...knows. Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one, but nobody wants to look at the other guys. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. People do not change, they only become more so. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. People specialize in their area of greatest weakness. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse. People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. People who think they know everything upset those of us who do. People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. People will believe anything if you whisper it. People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer. People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. People working in the private sector should try to save money. There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse. Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning. Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation. Pick good people; talent never wears out. Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes. Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition! Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely. Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back. Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier if it's frozen. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long. Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Proofreading is more effective after publication. Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead. Push something hard enough and it will fall over. Quality assurance doesn't. Quit while your still behind. Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle. Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night. Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don't know any other language. Real programmers don't notch their desks for each completed service request. Real programmers don't number paragraph names consecutively. Real programmers print only clean compiles. Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules. Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing. Repetition does not establish validity. Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. Say no, then negotiate. Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous. Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it. Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without. SEISLINE prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds. Self starters...will not. Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their inherent unreliability. Sit down whenever possible. Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases. Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle. Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were and ask 'why not?'" Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. Speak softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. Stay in with the outs. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view. Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. Success is like a fart. Only your own smells good. Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do. Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get. Take heart, the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. Take this job and shove it. Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology. Tell the truth; there's less to remember. That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart. That's not a "bug", that's a feature! The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems. The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value. The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office. The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it. The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's, but four times as long as the official's who created it. The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere. The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal. The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap. The best things in life aren't things. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up. The bigger they are, the harder they hit. The bigger they are, the harder they hit. The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie. The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to... uh... The chaos in the universe always increases. The chief cause of problems is solutions. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired. The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket. The deadline is one week after the original deadline. The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. The deficiency will never show itself during the test run. The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it. The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why. The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job. The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten. The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. The early worm deserves the bird. The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle. The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in. The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The farther away the future is, the better it looks. The faster the plane, the narrower the seats. The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing. The final test is when it goes production ... W h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... W h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t W h e n i t g o e s p r The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. The first myth of management is that it exists. The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is that success equals skill. The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts. The first time is for love, the next time is $200. The floggings will continue until morale improves. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn. The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread. The hidden flaw never remains hidden. The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one. The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. The idea is to die young as late as possible. The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. The information conveyed is less important than the impression. The judge's jokes are always funny. The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost and two-thirds of the problems. The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. The longer the title the less important the job. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights. The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we're done with it. The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering. The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it; it probably isn't right. The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets. The more one produces, the less one gets.Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success. The more things change, the more they stay insane. The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing. The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree. The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets. The most important item in an order will no longer be available. The most interesting results happen only once. The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way. The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic. The next best thing to doing something smart is not doing something stupid. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish. The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever. The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer. The obvious answer is always overlooked. The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. The one item you want is never the one on sale. The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. The one who does the least work will get the most credit. The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it. The one you want is never the one on sale. The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front. The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have. The only real errors are human errors. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory. The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it. The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action known to man. The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong. The optimum committee has no members. The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it. The other line always moves faster. The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet. The person not here is the one working on the problem. The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building. The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly. The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator. The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6. The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is about 0.6. The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis. The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up! The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced. The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available. The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. The sun goes down just when you need it the most. The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. (IRS auditor) The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was! The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions. The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically. The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give the data authenticity. The workbench is always untidier than last time. The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back. Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why. There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two. There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. There are no winners in life...only survivors. There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest... (Napoleon) There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it. There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know. There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. There are two ways to be rich: make more or desire less. There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for. There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here". There is always one more bug. There is always one more idiot than you counted on. There is an exception to all laws. There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious. There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog. There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong. There is no limit to how bad things can get. There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit. There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device. There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist. There is no such thing as instant experience. There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. There is nothing so habit-forming as money. There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportioN. There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits. Things are more like today than they ever were before. Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player. Things get worse under pressure. Things go right so they can go wrnog. Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time. This "law" has been intentionally left blank. This "law" was inadvertently left blank. This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks. This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. This space for rent. Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate. Those who live closest arrive latest. Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. Those with the best advice offer no advice. To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen. To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake. To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. To err is human. To admit it is a blunder. To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human. To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics. To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy. To err is human; to debug, divine. To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent. To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work. Toothache tends to start on Saturday night. Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being. Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three. Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither EASY nor PLEASANT. Trust everybody...then cut the cards. Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. Two heads are more numerous than one. Two monologues do not make a dialogue. Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is covered with auditors from headquarters. Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are finite. Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break. Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb. Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man in the testicles, not even symbolically or perhaps especially not symbolically. Urgency varies inversely with importance. Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful. Variables won't, constants aren't. Virtue is its own punishment. Wasting time is an important part of living. We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused. We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to do it over again. We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it. We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message. We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators. We, the unwilling, led by the unavailable, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. In fact, we have done so much with so little, for so long, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. We, the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing so much, with so little, for so long, that we are now doing the impossible, for the ungrateful, with nothing. We'll worry about that when we get there. We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate. Wet manure is slippery. (OSHA discovery) We've always done it that way! What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand? What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. What the gods get away with, the cows don't. What you don't do is always more important than what you do. What you resist, you become. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. Whatever goes around, comes around. Whatever happens, look as if it were intended. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly. When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made. When a lie fails, the truth saves what remained. When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion. When all investigation supports the previous, look for a situation which violates it. When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue. When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time you have, whichever is less. When in doubt, use brute force. When in trouble, delegate. When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules. When it's you against the world, bet on the world. When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible. When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it. When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left. When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often. When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly. When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer. When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem. When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost certain risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn't counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large systems you can't do this without a very large computer. Even then, the safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch. Intervening is a way of causing trouble. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle. When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp. When you are up to your nose in #!&?, be sure to keep your mouth shut. When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains. When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. When your opponent is down, kick him. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. Where you stand depends on where you sit. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will attempt to use it. Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today. Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection. Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions. Without data, yours is just another opinion. Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. Work is the curse of the drinking class. Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it green. You can always find what you're not looking for. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes. You can fool some of the people and really piss them off. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. You can observe a lot just by watching. You can observe a lot just by watching. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. You can't fall off the floor. You can't get here from there. You can't guard against the arbitrary. You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about. You can't push a rope. You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game. You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game. You get the most of what you need the least. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him. You never find an article until you replace it. You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. You never want the one you can afford. You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox. You want it when? You will always find something in the last place you look. You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away. You won't skid if you stay in a rut. Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's. You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on. Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.