Funny Ads/Signs/Product Labels For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. See ladies blouses. 50% Off! Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops! Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. Man, honest. Will take anything. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings. Mother's helper-- peasant working conditions. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last Stock up and save. Limit: one Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. We build bodies that last a lifetime For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play. Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. Illiterate? Write for free information. We make keys to everything except Heaven and Hell; those you make yourself. (on the back of a locksmith's truck) Southern Sanitation, Free Snow Removal - on a garbage truck in South Florida My wife keeps her nose out of my business. - on the side of a septic service truck Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month; References required Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Man, honest. Will take anything. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tractor, send photo of tractor. Johnny Cat is the best value for your money. A 20 lb. bag of Johnny Cat contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than 14 lb. bags! From a kid's Halloween costume (Superman): Stitched into the cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly". From a Pop-Tart (tm) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated" From a newspaper article: "A Congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages" From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping" Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant: "Caution: Do not lick lid." From the SGI Indigo Owners Manual p. 6-9: "Hardware Dos and Don'ts" ... Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers. A box of cloth roller towels in restrooms. "Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death!"