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In a Los Angeles dance hall
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In the offices of a loan company
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
On military bases
Restricted to unauthorized personnel
On a Chicaogo bar
Our customers enter optimistically and leave misty optically.
In an appliance store window
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.
In the window of a general store
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?
In a Maine restaurant
Open 7 days a week and weekends
On a Tennessee highway
Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In a New York restaurant
Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
Outside a jeweller's shop
Ears pierced while you wait
Sign in a laundromat
Automatic washing machines please remove all your clothes when the light
goes out
In a dress shop window
Don't stand outside and faint -- come in and have a fit.
In an office
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back
or further steps will be taken.
Outside a farm
Horse Manure $5 Per Pre-Packed Bag
$2 Do-It-Yourself
In the window of a dry cleaner's
Same day dry cleaning-- all garments ready in 48 hours
At the zoo
Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give
them to the keeper on duty.
On a church door
This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is
kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)
Sign in a German cafe
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.
Outside a secondhand shop
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring
your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Outside a farm
Cattle please close the gate
Outside a photographer's studio
Out to lunch If not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen outside a travel agency
Why don't you go away?
Outside a disco
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Sign in a picture shop
Let us put you in the picture and frame you.
In a cafe window
Waitresses required for breakfast.
Found in a butcher's shop
These scales are accurate. No two weighs about it.
Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers
You can always count on us.
Seen in an New York department store at Christmas
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with
three Santas.
Seen at an undertaker's
Oscar's funeral parlor - where you'll always find a smile.
Notice in a London park
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure park.
Sign warning of quicksand
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of
the district council.
Sign on a newly painted bench
Wet paint. Watch it or wear it.
Seen in a watch shop
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands.
Notice in the window of a fabric shop
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged.
Road sign
Steeple Bumstead Left 3 miles, Right 3 miles, Straight Ahead 3 miles
Sign outside pet shop
No Dogs Allowed.
Notice in a restaurant
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to
the vegetables
Seen outside a fire station
Fire station - no smoking
Notice on a shop
Half-day closing all day Wednesday
Sign in a pizza parlor
Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Seen outside dancing academy
Please mind the steps
Notice in health food shop window
Closed due to illness.
Spotted in a safari park
Elephants please stay in your car.
Sign outside a church
The Last World War. Where and when will it be fought? St. John's,
Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd of February at 7 00 p.m.
Seen during a conference
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on
the first floor.
Spotted in a golf club
Golfers, please do not drink and drive
Seen in a college
This week's lecture underwater life by Peter Fish
Notice in a field
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges.
Notice at the zoo
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure
Message on a leaflet
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Sign on a repair shop door
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't
work)
Traffic sign
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.
Sign at farm gate
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespassed and the ninth one has just left.
At a Santa Fe gas station
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners
38 years on the same spot.
In a Florida maternity ward
No children allowed
In a New York drugstore
We dispense with accuracy.
In a New York medical building
Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards
Now available in multi-packs.
In a funeral parlor
Ask about our layaway plan.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
Outside a country shop
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster
Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school
No trespassing without permission.
Sign at a college bookstore
Accepted by more colleges than you were--VISA!
Somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
Do not throw stones at this sign.
Sign on an electrician's truck
Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop
We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area
If we see you smoking we will assume you on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room Door
Push, Push, Push
On a Front Door
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
Optometrist's Office
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door
Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window
We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window
Time wounds all heels.
Butcher's window
Let me meat your needs.
Used Car Lot
Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence
Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop
No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel
"Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window
Pleased to meat you.
Auto Body Shop
May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company
We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop
Dye now!
Garbage Truck
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store
Out for a quick byte
Diner Window
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library
Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home
Drive carefully, we'll wait.
On a Septic Tank Truck sign
We're #1 in the #2 business.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologist's door
To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumber's truck
We repair what your husband fixed.
On a Plumber's truck
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza Shop Slogan
7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee
Invite us to your next blowout.
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door
Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a Towing company
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an Electrician's truck
Let us remove your shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action.
On a Maternity Room door
Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrist's Office
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place.
On a Fence
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Propane Filling Station
Tank heaven for little grills.
At a Chicago Radiator Shop
Best place in town to take a leak.
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