You Know You're Getting Old When... You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. "You are what you eat" turns out to be true. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. A fortune teller offers to read your face. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. All your favorite music groups now only have "The Best Of ..." compilation CD's at the stores. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Dialing long distance wears you out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. Instead of strawberries, you put prunes on your cereal. It takes you all night to try to do what you used to do all night. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Sex is now on the Quarterly Plan. Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your wife. You are on a first name basis with your proctologist. You are startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer. You are still chasing women, but can't remember why. You are visiting a museum with your grandson and a guard tells him to don't touch the exhibits. You burn the midnight oil until 9pm. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. You get winded playing cards. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised. You have already gone to two Woodstock festivals in your lifetime. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. You join a health club and don't go. You just can't stand people who are intolerant. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. You look forward to a dull evening. You notice more and more younger drivers waving at you with one finger. You own the same music recording in 78 RPM, 8-track, cassette tape, 45 RPM, 33 RPM, and Compact Disc formats. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. You start answering to "Geezer". You suddenly notice Bea Arthur has nice legs. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT. Your back goes out more than you do. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. Your children begin to look middle aged. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..." Your knees buckle and your belt won't. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you see a pretty girl. Your walker is equipped with an airbag. You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. You're getting old when your spouse gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.