Reasons Why Intelligent Beings From Outer Space Will Never Want To Visit Earth "2 for 1" when you really didn't want one, "Real simulated oak" pressboard, 17-level voice mail, abandonment of children and pets, absentee landlords, abused goodwill, acid rain, ads and chain letters on the Internet, AIDS, airline food, airliners exploding in mid-air, anal rape, arrogant and selfish old women, athletes foot fungus, bacteria, bad drugs, bad luck, bank failures, bathtub accidents, being the only one in the elevator that uses deodorant, birth defects, blind dates, body lice, bogus and vain intellectuals, breech of contracts, broken glass, broken promises, bubonic plague, bureaucracy and pretended perks, buying carbon deposits, card sharks, cattle stampedes, chain reactions, charlatans, chemical spills, child abuse, cluster headaches, contamination of the water supply, continental drift, corporal punishment, cowardliness, cryptic Windows error messages, daytime television, defrocked priests, dental visits, depletion of the ozone layer, diarrhea, discrimination, disgruntled employees and postal workers, distorted Equal Opportunity, divorces, driven naivety, dry rot, dutch elm disease, dynamite and plutonium proliferation, earthquakes, entropy, escaped maniacs, eternal damnation, evil neighbors, evil spirits, expensive CAS-level 2 memory error, failure of will, faithless friends, falling rocks, false advertising, family scandals, faulty merchandise, financial ruin, flash floods, flesh-eating bacteria, forgotten heroes, floods, forest fires, free loaders in a hard class, freezing winter days without sunlight for weeks, genetically altered foods, giardiasis in a pristine forest, global warming, government offices, greenhouse effect, gridlock, hard drive crashes, hate groups and organizations, herpes, hotel fires, Howard Stern, humans that have bad gas and don't do anything about it, hurricanes, I.R.S. ill-behaving boss' kids, ill-fitting shoes, incorrect DNS, infomercials, insurance salesmen, intellectual cowardliness, intellectual procrastination, intentional subjugation, intestinal bleeding, jealous co-workers, junk electronic mail, killer bees, killer frosts, labor violence, lack of common senses, lawyers who advertise on television, lightning, locusts, loss of equilibrium, loss of faith, loss of privileges, Lou Gehrig's disease, loud rap music, lynchings, mail fraud, major "2 for 1" when you really didn't want one, major breakdown only two days after the warranty expiration, malpractice suits, mental instability, metal fatigue, mildew, moral decay, mother-in-laws, mud slides, mutual assured destruction, nails on the blackboard, neo-nazis, new printer package without a printer cable, newspapers delivered promptly every morning on your roof, nine mile fever, no decency, non-engaging sales persons, not being able to date anyone in Playboy, not being sure about the Heaven thing, nuclear accidents, nuclear weapons, nuclear winters, nuisance lawsuits, obligatory oral sex, obscene phone calls, office politics, old Play Mates. on-hold times calling on-ramp fruit vendors, opinionated professor, organ rejection, paper cuts from junk mail, paper cuts, paranoia, parasites, pay cuts, peer pressure, people at the ATM that don't know how to use it, people who don't move at the left turn arrow, people who so vehemently pretend to abhor x-rated pornography, PeTA, poison meat, political smear tactics, poor workmanship, presidential election campaigns, price fixing, prickly hot and humid heat, programs that only their programmers would use, prowlers, public ridicule, quicksand, rabies, race riots, racism and bigotry to anything that appears foreign, radar/photo speed traps, rampaging moose, random acts of senseless violence, rectal exams, religious fanatics, ridiculously lage accident insurance premium, rogue elephants, root canals, runaway trains, sand up your ass at the beach, sensationalized court trials that last for years, serial killers, shipwrecks, sloppy contractors, sluggish network, smog so thick you need headlights during the day, snake bites, sneak attacks, social isolation, soil erosion, solitary confinement, squeegee guys who insist on washing your windshield, stink bombs, stray bullets, structural defects, sudden cold shower water in apartments, sunburn, sunspots, tax forms, taxation without representation, telephone marketers calling during supper, television evangelists, terrorism, the breeze up your ass in hospital gowns, the chance of going to Hell after death, the contraction of the universe, the electricity going out while you're sitting on the toilet, the wrath of God, things done under the name of "efficiency", threatening letters, tornadoes, torture, toxic waste, transverse myelitus, unemployment and mass lay-offs, ungrateful children, unwanted service plans, unworthiness, vigilantes, volcanic eruptions, voltage spikes in the electricity, voodoo curses, water that runs yellowish brown from your faucet, water-logged lawn, wax buildup, wayward girls, widespread chaos, wife beatings and killings, wrongful cremation, wrongly-accused Samaritan, year-long sales gimmicks claiming "one day only" each time, youth gangs armed with assault rifles, yuppies in Mercedes