-
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a
quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no
secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband
for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly):"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
|
